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Uglycelts caveI had the Vision, sometimes I Believed, now i'm Screwing it up LOL February 20 Talking about www.metacafe.com/channels/boots69Truelly sorry I missed it Guys, hope it went well for You all. I been sh*t busyso apologies to all feel bad now Hugs and rgrds M. Quote www.metacafe.com/channels/boots69 December 08 DiagnosisOne day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and much cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks. Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better. December 05 Choccie (for Jaffa+Mary)The Rules of Chocolate If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. The problem: How to get two pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other? Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy? If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you? If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you? December 04 BizarreA distraught architect threw himself in front of a train in the London Underground in a suicide attempt. Luckily, the train stopped inches from his body; in fact, it had to be jacked off its tracks to allow his removal. When questioned, however, the driver informed officials he hadn't stopped the train. An investigation revealed that one of the passengers, unaware of the suicide attempt, had independently pulled the emergency brake. London Transport officials considered prosecuting the passenger for illegal use of the emergency brake but ultimately decided against it. George D. Bryson, a businessman from Connecticut, decided to change his travel plans and stop in Louisville, Kentucky, a place he'd never visited before. He went to a local hotel and made preparations to check into Room 307. Before he could do so, a hotel employee handed him a letter addressed to his exact name. It turned out the previous occupant of Room 307 was another George D. Bryson. One three separate occasions - in the years 1664, 1785, and 1860 - there was a shipwreck in which only one person survived the accident. Each time that one person was named Hugh Williams. In 1983, a woman told British Rail authorities about a disturbing vision she had of a fatal train crash involving an engine with the numbers 47 216. Two years later, a train had a fatal accident, similar to the one the woman had described. The engine number, however, was 47 299. Later, someone noticed that the number had previously been changed by nervous British Rail officials. The original number: 47 216. Several secret code words were devised by Allied military commanders during their preparations to invade Normandy in World War II. Among them: "Utah," "Neptune," "Mulberry," "Omaha," and "Overlord." Before the invasion could begin, however, all of these words appeared in a crossword puzzle in the London Daily Telegraph. After interrogating the puzzle's author, an English school teacher, authorities became convinced that it was sheer, inexplicable coincidence. November 29 Cool oneTwo Women In HeavenTwo Women have just arrived in Heaven and are chatting at the Pearly Gates.1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! My name is Sylvia. How'd you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. Instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and I finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer........we'd both still be alive!! November 28 RulesRules of the lab 1) If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. 2) When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly. 3) Experiments must be reproduceable, they should fail the same way each time. 4) First draw your curves, then plot your data. 5) Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined. 6) Always keep a record of your data. It indicates that you have been working. 7) To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance. 8) If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question. 9) In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. 10) Do not believe in miracles--rely on them. 11) Team work is essential, it allows you to blame someone else. 12) All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons. 13) No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example. 14) Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it. Pick a perfect penisThere is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The little girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?" The boy replied, "I don't know." At that time he hears his mum calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch. Then he sees his dad on the couch. He goes up to his dad and ask him, "What is a penis?" The dad whips his out and says to the boy, "This is a penis, as a matter of fact this is the perfect penis."
The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods. The girl again asks him what a penis is. He whips out his penis and says to her, "This is a penis, and if it was two inches smaller it would be the perfect penis!" November 12 QuestionsStrange 'Questions': Sexual harassment at work-is it a problem for the self-employed? --Victoria Wood After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water? After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in? --Steven Wright What happens if you go on a survival course - and you don't pass? What happens if you take No-Doze and wash it down with Nyquil? Do crematoriums give discounts to burn victims? What is shaved ice? Did it have hair on it before it was shaved? Whatever happened to preparations A through G? Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? Where do they get Spring water in the other 3 seasons? Where does the fire go when the fire goes out? How do I set my laser printer on stun? How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? ================================== Today's Featured Humor : -) - - Strange Business Signs Signs On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business." *Sign over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." *At a proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit please back in." *On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." *On a Plumbers truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." *Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak." *At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout." *On a plastic surgeon's office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?" *At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." *On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." *In a nonsmoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." *On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push." *At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." *On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." *In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." *On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive." *At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." *Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." *In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" *At the electric company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be." *In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry .. Come on in and get fed up." *In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait." *At a propane filling station, "Tank heaven for little grills." *And don't forget the sign at a Chicago radiator shop: "Best place in town to take a leak." October 25 LawyerA big-city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of the fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going in to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in Indiana and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the Tennessee Three-Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Tennessee Three-Kick Rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay you old coot, now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck." for techs everywhereRules of the lab 1) If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. 2) When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly. 3) Experiments must be reproduceable, they should fail the same way each time. 4) First draw your curves, then plot your data. 5) Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined. 6) Always keep a record of your data. It indicates that you have been working. 7) To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance. 8) If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question. 9) In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. 10) Do not believe in miracles--rely on them. 11) Team work is essential, it allows you to blame someone else. 12) All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons. 13) No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example. 14) Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it. August 29 Father innocentA priest is walking along the street one day when a
prositute stops him and says, "Hey Father, how about some Head for $10 bucks?" The priest is flabbergasted, mostly because he doesn't really know what she means. It bothers him all the way back to the church. Once there, he walks up to one of the nuns and says: "Excuse me Sister, What's Head?" She says: "$10 bucks, same as downtown!". August 09 Lawyers !!The two partners from a small law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them looked alarmed.
"What are you worried about?" asked the other. "We're both here." August 08 Birds and the bees explainedAn 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs." August 07 Roc-a-Croc An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing." So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long aligator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines. Just as the aligator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures. One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Damn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!" Boyfriends houseBoyfriend's houseA woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!". The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longerrrrrrip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivalled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy,
get away from her, before she shits on you!" July 24 Newfie one !!Doctor in NewfoundlandA doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant."Garge, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients". "Yes, sir!" answers Garge. The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So,Garge, how was your day?" Garge told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL." "Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor. "The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says Garge. "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor. "Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'" "Tunderin' lard Jesus Garge, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
July 23 Ahh you British !!!Spotted in a toilet of a London office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK July 10 Men !!How Men Think...I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "magic"."Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me." She just giggled and said she was sure I'd "rise" to the challenge. "Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!" So I told her to get lost. July 06 Hi againHi all :
end of my first week in Lung-den (lol), not sure if I like the job - but we'll see.
Irish Medical DictionaryArtery.............................. The study of paintings.Bacteria............................ Back door to cafeteria. Barium.............................. What doctors do when patients die. Benign...............................What you be, after you be eight. Caesarean Section...............A neighbourhood in Rome. Catscan............................ Searching for Kitty. Cauterize.......................... Made eye contact with her. Colic................................ A sheep dog. Coma............................... A punctuation mark. Dilate............................... To live long. Enema.............................. Not a friend. Fester.............................. Quicker than someone else. Fibula............................... A small lie. Impotent........................... Distinguished, well known. Labour Pain..................................Getting hurt at work. Medical Staff.................................. A Doctor's cane. Morbid............................... A higher offer. Nitrates............................ Cheaper than day rates.
Node................................ I knew it. Outpatient......................... A person who has fainted. Pelvis............................... Second cousin to Elvis. Post Operative................... A letter carrier. Recovery Room................... Place to do upholstery. Rectum............................. Nearly killed him. Secretion.......................... Hiding something. Seizure............................. Roman emperor. Tablet.............................. A small table. Terminal Illness.............................. Getting sick at the airport. Tumour.............................One plus one more. Urine............................... Opposite of you're out. 2xCondoms........................To be sure, to be sure July 05 Poor wifeA woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck." new2New job tomorrow -bit scared- back in london, never expected that, somebody pray for me pleaseHow to Tell the Sex of a FlyA woman came home to find her husband stalking the kitchen with a fly swatter."What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting flies" he responded. "Killed any yet?" "Yep, 3 males and 2 females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?" "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ American touristAn American tourist in London was desperate to take a leak. After a long search he couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up. "Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked. "I'm sorry," the American replied, "but I really gotta take a leak." "You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me." The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away." The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?" "No," replied the policeman. "It's the French Embassy." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn't find them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier. Adam said, "The morning Eve and I made love for the first time." June 30 newNew job on Monday
Anybody know houses/Apartments around Staines ?
would appreciate it
Rgrds
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